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October 28, 2005
RIP Red Six
It comes in threes:
1. Rosa Parks
2. Wellington Mara
3. William Hootkins
Porkins has become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
Posted by urcella at 01:35 PM
October 26, 2005
Our town, our age
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/26/national/IRAQDEATHS_GRAPHIC.html
Posted by urcella at 10:56 PM | Comments (2)
October 25, 2005
The Gold Standard In Corporate Gift Giving
I have worked in the same office for three years. I started as an intern, answering phones, filing, and eventually moved up to the managerial position I have today. For some reason, I still have the job of opening the mail, and I love it, this time of year especially. Tis the season for corporate holiday gift catalogues. I received a goodin today from the good people at godiva.
At first I was a little put off by the smug sexuality Godiva used to market their mediocre confections. Then I realized, why should I expect anything less from a company that has a naked chick riding a horse as their mascot. In the end, I decided their marketing prose was "chic, sleek and luxe all over".
I will attempt to break down the 20 pages of "pure decadence" and "festive fantasy" for you by highlighting some of my favorite items for everyone on your corporate gift list. For a mere $260 you can send that special client who survived the attack on the World Trade Center, a Chocolate Extravagance Gift Tower. "This skyscraping wonder of chocolate is the absolute height of indulgence." Feel free to scratch the word 'extravagance' and replace with 'freedom', 6lbs. of freedom baby.
Your coked up stock broker needs love too. Get him/shim the Cafe Godiva Coffee, it's "another example of there's no such thing as too rich". There's also no such thing as too asshole because this "chocolate inspired" brew comes in six distinct, sumptuous flavors, two of them with the word 'crème' in them, which of course is the french word for quality.
December 25th isn't just Christmas this year, it's also the first night of Hanukkah. Your general counsel or that guy from accounting, what's his name, Goldstein, will just "turn to buttah" when they receive the 1lb. $40 box of Hanukkah Ballotins. Hey, they're kosher and "beautifully decorated" with a "custom-designed Tree-of Life Dreidel." These are God's chosen Ballotins honey.
My word, I almost forgot the New Platinum Collection. This particular box of heaven contains pieces with "names that read like poetry to the plate" and by that, I assume they mean names that sound like french whores. Lamousse, Mielodie, Razabell, Coeur, are just a few of the "alluring originals" that try to seduce your palate with promises ecstasy, but ultimately leave you unsatisfied and a candidate for gingivitis. Just like a real french whore, right?
Lastly, upon perusing the web site for further detail on their orgasmic collection of chocotastic, I came to the Corporate Incentives Programs page, which is basically a list of all the ways you can use Godiva chocolate to further your shallow corporate pursuits. I was particularly amused with their suggestion of "Unique Sales Incentives - rewarding those sales people who meet their goals". "Hey Pete, way to go in Q3 you fucking animal, closing CSFB and Merrill Lynch in the same day, I mean wow, I am totally getting you the, now wait for it, get this, the new 2006 Godiva Limited Edition Tin! Way to go bro, you did it. We thought hey, Golden Abundance Gift Basket, first because god knows you broght in the ABBONDANZA this quarter. But Braski and I decided the '06 LET was by far the more money pick."
I just can't wait to compile my corporate gift list this year. Everyone has been so nice.
Posted by urcella at 06:22 PM
October 21, 2005
Gothic Profiling: Clothes Make the Man
I'd like to take some time out to thank Dylan and Eric for their contributions towards this nation's media obsession with "goth" profiling. The latest story stems from the brutal beating of Pamela Vitale, wife of lawman Daniel Horowitz. Natch, CNN has the scoop:
"The teenage suspect in the beating death of a prominent lawyer's wife was described by classmates as a goth loner who followed the occult and dressed in black from the polish on his fingernails to his trench coat."
Let's refuse to analyze any possible mental illness or family factors involved that may have contributed to a child beating a woman to death, and concentrate solely on what season of Hot Topic he was wearing. But wait, there's more! Why don't we ask his classmates for info. Clearly they must have an intimate understanding of the complicated nature of this person which lead to a brutally calculated homocide.
"He was just really a Gothic kid, and everyone knew who he was just because of his apparel. When you heard the name, you were just like, 'Oh, that kid,' " a classmate told CNN.
"He just definitely stood out in front of anybody in the school," the classmate added. "When he walked by, everybody talked about him -- like, he definitely didn't blend in."
Listen up, if you happen to be "that kid" and I think you know who you are, watch out. Being "really Gothic" leads to all kinds of trouble. And don't think they don't know who you are. Your apparel says it all.
Posted by urcella at 12:51 PM | Comments (1)
October 11, 2005
Things That Don't Suck
NYC has had a suck year sportswise. The Yankees got pwn3d by the OC Angels last night. Not surprising, but still stings, like that part of your cuticle you chewed off till it bled but you did it anyway despite the fact you knew it would no doubt be scabby and sore for two weeks. We can now officially put baseball to bed for awhile and concentrate fully on watching Vinnie Testaverde try to do the job of a man half his age, and not paying attention to the Rangers and Islanders.
I feel your pain, and you deserve better NYC. My gift to you is a short list of things that don't suck, or don't suck nearly as bad as Alex Rodriguez, who sucks plenty.
1. Serenity - Who was cooler, Han Solo or Luke Skywalker? That's right, Han; go see Serenity. Joss Whedon big screen debut proves he's the heir to the throne the bloated corpse of Lucas sits on. Greedo shooting first? Kiss my ass. This is a real science fiction action movie, no gay monks.
2. Arrested Development Season 2 - Out on DVD today. I love Gob.
3. Hello. I'm Eugene - Eugene Mirman writes HIGHlarious/reDICKulous blog for the Village Voice. He's big, he's weird looking, and he's funny as hell. Best part is most entries are accompanied by a video or sound bit to help illustrate what he's talking about. The kid(man) is going places.
4. Teen Girl Squad Tenthennial Extravaganza - IN FULL COLOR!!!!!!!!!
5. Murder Mystery - Sassy, irreverent, incandescent, insert overused adjective here! They are hot, young and undiscovered, and friends of mine, which makes them cool.
That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there are other things that don't suck right now, and I'd love to hear them, post your non-sucky items in the comments box. The suck ends here.
Posted by urcella at 03:53 PM | Comments (2)