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October 25, 2005
The Gold Standard In Corporate Gift Giving
I have worked in the same office for three years. I started as an intern, answering phones, filing, and eventually moved up to the managerial position I have today. For some reason, I still have the job of opening the mail, and I love it, this time of year especially. Tis the season for corporate holiday gift catalogues. I received a goodin today from the good people at godiva.
At first I was a little put off by the smug sexuality Godiva used to market their mediocre confections. Then I realized, why should I expect anything less from a company that has a naked chick riding a horse as their mascot. In the end, I decided their marketing prose was "chic, sleek and luxe all over".
I will attempt to break down the 20 pages of "pure decadence" and "festive fantasy" for you by highlighting some of my favorite items for everyone on your corporate gift list. For a mere $260 you can send that special client who survived the attack on the World Trade Center, a Chocolate Extravagance Gift Tower. "This skyscraping wonder of chocolate is the absolute height of indulgence." Feel free to scratch the word 'extravagance' and replace with 'freedom', 6lbs. of freedom baby.
Your coked up stock broker needs love too. Get him/shim the Cafe Godiva Coffee, it's "another example of there's no such thing as too rich". There's also no such thing as too asshole because this "chocolate inspired" brew comes in six distinct, sumptuous flavors, two of them with the word 'crème' in them, which of course is the french word for quality.
December 25th isn't just Christmas this year, it's also the first night of Hanukkah. Your general counsel or that guy from accounting, what's his name, Goldstein, will just "turn to buttah" when they receive the 1lb. $40 box of Hanukkah Ballotins. Hey, they're kosher and "beautifully decorated" with a "custom-designed Tree-of Life Dreidel." These are God's chosen Ballotins honey.
My word, I almost forgot the New Platinum Collection. This particular box of heaven contains pieces with "names that read like poetry to the plate" and by that, I assume they mean names that sound like french whores. Lamousse, Mielodie, Razabell, Coeur, are just a few of the "alluring originals" that try to seduce your palate with promises ecstasy, but ultimately leave you unsatisfied and a candidate for gingivitis. Just like a real french whore, right?
Lastly, upon perusing the web site for further detail on their orgasmic collection of chocotastic, I came to the Corporate Incentives Programs page, which is basically a list of all the ways you can use Godiva chocolate to further your shallow corporate pursuits. I was particularly amused with their suggestion of "Unique Sales Incentives - rewarding those sales people who meet their goals". "Hey Pete, way to go in Q3 you fucking animal, closing CSFB and Merrill Lynch in the same day, I mean wow, I am totally getting you the, now wait for it, get this, the new 2006 Godiva Limited Edition Tin! Way to go bro, you did it. We thought hey, Golden Abundance Gift Basket, first because god knows you broght in the ABBONDANZA this quarter. But Braski and I decided the '06 LET was by far the more money pick."
I just can't wait to compile my corporate gift list this year. Everyone has been so nice.
Posted by urcella at October 25, 2005 06:22 PM