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January 28, 2006
Tagged Like A Drunken Gazelle
Four jobs I've had:
1. Receptionist for an Acupuncturist
2. Receptionist for a furniture gallery
3. Receptionist for a NFP
4. Baby sitter
Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Anchorman
2. So I Married An Axe Murderer
3. Kill Bill
4. Unzipped
Four places I've lived:
1. Los Angeles, CA
2. London, England
3. NY, NY
4. Brooklyn, NY
Four TV shows I love:
1. Arrested Development
2. Simpsons
3. Family Guy
4. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Four places I've vacationed:
1. Providence, RI
2. Paris
3. Las Vegas, NV
4. Granite Bay, CA
Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Pizza
2. Burgers
3. Creme Brulee
4. Potatoes, any style
Four sites I visit daily:
1. Gawker
2. The Superficial
3. I Don't Like You In That Way
4. Go Fug Yourself
Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Santa Monica, CA (at the Tudor House at tea time)
2. Pittsburgh, PA (having a beer next to the Monongahela River)
3. Bergdorf Goodman (on scholarship)
4. Pillow fight with Clive Owen at the Sanderson in London
Four bloggers I am tagging:
1. Sean-san
2. Colin-san
3. Johnny Maldoro-san
4. Eli-san
Posted by urcella at 03:32 PM | Comments (2)
January 27, 2006
Worth a Million Value Pays
Wake up this morning (last week at this point), turn on tv. Usually hit channel one immediately; need my weather on the ones, rail and road report, in the papers, etc. For whatever reason, the last channel I viewed the night before slipping into sweet sweet slumber was ShopNBC.com.
And this my young friends, is the glory that was being sold: http://www.shopnbc.com/product/?familyid=J157629&storeid=1&track=-20101
They marketed it as a conversation piece. So what kind of conversation would this ring inspire I wondered?
1. My grandpappy coached a small college (which no loger exists) football team from Delaware in the great Rooster Bowl of '37, and this was his championship ring.
2. I moonlight as a cockfight arena commentator and this was a gift from Don King after he won some money on a bird named Mr. Pretzles from Chihuahua, Mexico.
3. I lost a bet.
4. This gave me the most Rhodium bang for my buck.
Still, if anyone wants to buy this for me, i'll happily "strut [my] stuff while wearing this bold sensation!" Size 5.
Posted by urcella at 08:23 PM | Comments (1)
January 26, 2006
Hit a Very Sexy Brick Wall
When the going gets tough, the tough get reading some blogs.
So i'm sitting here in my office max answer to a Herman Miller design, laughing with Jason Mulgrew, when he makes mention of you can't make it up by Michelle Collins (nominated for a Bloggie I might add). I click, I read, I laugh, I love. I then click on Chelsea Peretti's, and repeat. I could have clicked on a dozen more blogs these girls linked to, and the same would have happened. These funny bitches are all in cahoots. Which lead me to the conclusion: I'm not that funny, and no one will know because only two people read this blog. One of which may I add, gave me a stellar box cutter for my birthday. Thank you sean.
This will be my weapon of choice when I attempt suicide in the Pret a Manger accross the street from my office whilst demanding they bring back their Sweet Potato Chips.
PS kiddies: I hate the name of this blog, I was trying way too hard. Please send me something better and more appropriate for my simpleton writting skills. Somm'in like "I make fart noises with my mouth". Yeah, good.
Posted by urcella at 04:28 PM | Comments (1)
January 07, 2006
AND HE HATED IRONY!
From Ben, all our favorite Brasky quotes.
"Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!"
"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"
"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"
"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"
"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."
"He sweats Gatorade"
"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."
"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"
"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."
"He sheds his skin once a year."
"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."
"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"
"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."
"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."
"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."
"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"
"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."
"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."
"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."
"They found $60 in change in his stomach."
"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."
"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."
"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"
"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."
"He date raped David Bowie."
"He once inhaled a seagull."
"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."
"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."
"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."
"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."
"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."
"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."
"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."
"He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!"
"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"
"He has dandruff the size of mice!"
"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"
"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"
"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."
"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."
"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."
"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."
"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."
"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."
"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."
"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."
"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."
"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."
"He breastfeeds John Madden."
"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."
"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"
"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."
"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."
"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."
"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."
"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."
"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"
"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."
"He thinks then iron man is gay."
"He framed Roger Rabbit."
"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."
"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."
See you kids at the airport bar!
Posted by urcella at 06:13 PM | Comments (2)